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Things I Vowed Never to Do as a Mom....BEFORE I Was a Mom

We’ve all done it. Admit it. We are experts at things we’ve never experienced.

Before I was a mom, I had a lot of opinions about parenting. Any time I saw a child with their parent, I was mentally taking note. “I’ll NEVER do that” I thought to myself. “If they’d just do this instead….” I’d think, since I was such an expert at kids, what with my zero experience and all. Recently, while talking with other moms, this topic came up. I couldn’t help but laugh at some of these strong opinions I used to have, since I’m totally the mom that used to make me irrationally angry. In no particular order, here are some of the daily offenses of ‘hot-mess-mom me’ that would cause ‘pre-kid me’ to cringe...

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Use a Pacifier.

Before Kids: My mom said I never used one, so why would my kids need one? If you ask me, it’s lazy parenting.

After Kids: He won’t stop screaming, SOMEBODY GET ME HIS PACIFIER!

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Kiss My Kids on the Lips.

Before Kids: Why would people do that? It’s so gross! Not to mention it’s weirdly sexual.

After Kids: Can Mama have a kiss? *Puckers up lips*

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Co-Sleep.

Before Kids: I can’t believe people put their kids in SO MUCH DANGER! Besides, my bed is my sanctuary. It’s the ONE PLACE I refuse to allow my children. If we don’t set boundaries with them now, they’ll walk all over us in the future.

After Kids: Hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Good one, clueless me.

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Spend a TON of Money on Children's Clothing.

Before Kids: I don’t know, it just seems reckless. They’re a baby, why spend so much money on something they’ll only wear once?! It’s not even like they’ll remember it…

After Kids: DID YOU SEE IT COMES WITH A MATCHING HAT?!?!

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Drugs in the Delivery Room.

Before Kids: Wow, some moms are so selfish. Don’t they know they are putting their unborn child at risk? Yes, it’s a minor risk, but still! When I give birth, I’ll be doing it all natural. Don’t even get me started on c-section moms!

After Kids: Yes, I’d like to schedule my upcoming c-section. Can we do it on a Wednesday? It works best for my husband’s work schedule…

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Share Germs.

Before kids: Ew, I can’t believe that mom just drank from her son’s sippy cup. I don’t care how much you love your child, that’s just wrong!

After kids: *Wipes kid’s runny nose on my sleeve*

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Matching Outfits.

Before Kids: I just don’t understand what the appeal is. My mom made (my sister and) me match all the time, and I HATED IT! I’ll never put my kids through that.

After Kids: So, I was looking on their website, and I think if we play our cards right, we can ALL match for 4 of the 6 days we’re on vacation! Don’t worry, I’ll keep searching for something that’ll work for those last two days…

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Fill My Social Media with Pictures of My Kids.

Before Kids: Why does she keep posting?! No one cares that her kid said his first word. It’s not even that clear. ‘dada’ isn’t even a word, it’s just a sound he's mimicking anyway.

After Kids: EVERYONE LOOK OVER HERE! Mom wants to get a picture to show everyone the cookies you made!

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Potty Train after Age Two.

Before kids: Her child is 2.5! How is she not potty trained yet?! What is wrong with her? Stop being lazy and just teach your child how to use the bathroom.

After kid: CRAP! He’s starting to show interest in the bathroom. I’m NOT training him until after we get back from vacation. Can you imagine the accidents he’d have?! Until he can clearly tell me when he needs to go, I’m waiting!

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Not Judge Other Moms.

Okay, this one takes some explanation since it’s a double negative. Before kids, I hardcore judged EVERY parent. Every. Parent. Yes, even you, especially you. Again, I knew best. Right? Why wouldn’t a woman who doesn’t work in child development, doesn’t have any children, doesn’t have younger siblings, and doesn’t have any close friends with children be an expert at parenting?!? It’s not like I said “yeah, when I’m a mom I’m going to keep judging all these terrible parents”. But let’s be real, I planned to. Now that I’m a mom myself, the last thing I do is judge. Hey, we all have our days. Some days, we are crushing it and our kids are perfect and strangers tell us we are doing an amazing job. Other days, our child punches their doctor in the face during a 2-year wellness visit and we let out a laugh (mainly out of embarrassment/surprise) then get scolded for enforcing bad behavior. We are all doing the best we can, the last thing we need is someone else judging us based on one moment in time that they witness. Besides, karma has a way of working itself out. When my kids are being extra terrible, I try to think about what self-righteous, "pre-kid me" would think of current "hot-mess-mom me" in the moment, and I can’t help but laugh. Can't win them all!